I didn't bathe a kid today...and it took everything in me. I am sitting here 12 hours later & I smell like her. This lively, joyful 3 year old girl has been wearing the same shorts for almost two weeks, and by my count, they have been washed once in that time. She has changed her long sleeved shirt on the outside, but the undershirt is the same one as last week, and both are filthy (imagine taking your child camping & living in the dirt). A couple of months ago, I ended up bathing her & giving her a whole new outfit because as she squatted to use the bathroom, she didn't realize her pants were ripped & caught most of what came out of her. On Sunday, as she slept in my arms through church, I wondered who was at their homestead that would let her wear shorts & a long sleeved t-shirt to church when everyone else was dressed up & wearing heavy sweaters & coats. It bothered me that on this cold day, I had to hold her hands to warm them up (and this isn't the first time I've had to do it). And it bothers me that I remember writing this in my journal 3 years ago as I held her older sister:
I stink. There's no other way to put it. I know it's bad when I can smell myself. But it's a huge blessing to stink today. This afternoon, during 15 minutes while all of our girls were out doing home visits, I was able to read a couple of pages in a book by Francis Chan. I got stuck on a prayer by Esther Ahn Kim, who prayed to the Lord, "Who do You want me to love for You today?" That was my prayer as our girls got back and I went out to play with kids while catching up with a couple of our girls. I was playing with an 11 month old and a 2 year old (brought to the care point by their 10 year old sister) and pursuing them and loving them as much as I could. All of a sudden, a 3 year old girl came and sat right on my lap and put my arms around her. Her clothes had been worn for weeks probably, judging by the dirt, stains, and holes. And like any other 3 year old girl, she wasn't totally able to squat & pee without getting it on herself- so you can imagine the smell. This girl and his sister live with their grandma and uncle. They have no shoes, she has a bald spot on her head, a permanently snotty face, and yellowed eyes from malnutrtion. So there I sat for a good 45 minutes, talking to one of my girls while loving and holding this girl . And that stink I smell tonight is definitely horrible, and definitely me, but it's a stink that is humbling, holy, and one of the most blessed smells I've smelled in a long time. And those 45 minutes I spent loving the one who God planned for me to love that day were a blessing to me in more ways than I know. "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19)
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| Same girl, different dirty day. |
I am torn tonight - feeling guilty for letting this little one go home again filthy dirty, but also feeling angry that nothing has changed in 3 years and the cycle is repeating itself. Their mom still isn't around regularly enough to make sure they have basic needs taken care of. And so I didn't bathe her today. Not because I didn't want to, but because I don't want to reward her mom's behavior. I didn't want to put her dirty clothes back on her, but didn't want to give her new clothes from our donations in case anyone (including her mother) would think that if they send their child to the center filthy, they will come home with a brand new outfit. More than anything, I want her mom to know the Lord, and through that to change her life & step up to be the mom that these two little girls are craving & deserve. So tonight, as I smell myself & think of her going to bed in those same clothes once again, I pray for her mom...and I pray for she & her sister to break this cycle when they become moms.
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