Then & Now

As I continue to prepare to move over to Swaziland and get excited to see familiar faces again & how much some of them have grown, I can't help but reflect on how much they have grown & changed from when I first met them in 2009. Here are a few pictures from 2009 & this fall...

This little girl cried until she slept in my arms the whole first morning I met her at a carepoint in 2009 & was so easy to recognize this year at the Christmas party. Her older sisters are identical twins & it wasn't uncommon for all 3 of them to be home alone from 6am until 5pm each day because their parents were lucky enough to have jobs.

The famous Tembelihle...as a 4 month old, she would be dropped off (or carried by an 8 year old) at our team house each day while her mother worked in the fields. Now a growing almost 3 year old beautiful girl, she has so many teeth, is pretty much potty-trained, is looked after by her 5 year old sister, has a contagious laugh and has been loved on through the few years of her life by so many teams who have come through.

The dress. The sweatshirt. Both looked old, dirty, ratty & torn in 2009 when I first saw Sphae wearing them...but then I had to grab my camera when Tembelihle (her younger sister) was wearing them 2 years later. Amazingly, the dress looks better from a good washing, but the red sweatshirt is as torn as ever. Makes you think twice about hand-me-downs!

Avoiding Spiritual Amnesia

"Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life."
~Deuteronomy 4:9

I am humbled and amazed at how God has moved throughout my whole life, revealing Himself, continuing to give me another chance, continuing to transform me, working out His redemption that was completed 2000 years ago into every facet of my life & who I am here today....and yet I am constantly forgetting these things. How can I be so amazed in the moment, in awe of God's sovereignty & power, yet forget these things so quickly?
I think I join in the crowds of believers throughout history in self-diagnosing myself with spiritual amnesia - forgetting who God is, who I am in Him, what He has done, what He is doing, what He has promised. I hate that this happens, but in a weird way, I take comfort in the fact that I join with good company (the Bible says "remember" more than 200 times in the Old Testament) of people who had a tendency to forget who God is & what He's done. I am excited that for eternity, we won't forget anymore, but will have so much time to reflect on who God is, the ways He revealed Himself to us, the ways God worked in our lives...and we will spend eternity responding in worship to this! We will remember those little, detailed ways He provided for us, spoke to us, led us, and those huge, unbelievable ways that He redeemed us, restored us, and gave us His righteousness as we gave Him our sins.
But for this season, I want to obey this verse - keeping my soul diligently to remember God's specific works in this transition of my life. And as I remember (& record in my journal to help me remember & reflect on this over the rest of my life) His work in my life today, it continues to fuel my faith that His mercies will be new again tomorrow & His grace will be sufficient for each & every day of my life as He is faithful, unchanging, sovereign and provident over all of creation.

Higher Highs And Lower Lows

As I prepare to move to Swaziland full time, I have been intrigued by people who have undertaken arduous journeys of various types in their lives. While the circumstances may be very different, I have found that the approach is largely the same. This past week, I went to hear a guy share about a 6 month backpacking trip that he did, and though his trip was for pleasure in the mountains, there were so many things he said that captured how I feel about preparing to serve in Swaziland. Like when he said, "I have been planning for this trip for 6 months, but it wasn't until the last month that it got really real" (welcome to my life lately!). But there was one line that stuck with me more than any others. He was about 1/3 of the way through his solo backpacking trip through big wilderness areas, when he had the opportunity to talk with an experienced outdoorsman in one of the villages along the way. He said that he had struggled a lot in the first part of the journey and asked the more experienced man whether or not the journey would get any easier. The man basically told him that it wouldn't. He was in such isolated, extreme wilderness that what he had experienced so far would continue to be what he would face moving forward, and he needed to persevere & endure it. So many times we want to hear the words that what we're going through will get easier, but the truth about life in a fallen world where we are sinners & surrounded by sinners is that it won't necessarily get easier. But then this young backpacker, in reference to the big wilderness he was living in, said "The highs will be higher and the lows will be lower." He was referring primarily to the physical landscape, but this truth applies across the board on a journey like this, in difficult and unexplored circumstances, especially when one is traveling alone. And I thought about how true this has been in my experience serving in Swaziland, as well as to what I face in the future - the landscape probably won't get much better, the highs will be higher and the lows will be lower. As I prepare to serve in Swaziland, I know that God has called me to join Him at work in this difficult place, with not a lot of hope on the near horizon, but with eternal hope that is beyond our imaginations. And as I serve there, I will continue to experience higher highs (imagine people having water near for the first time, being provided with food to last them for several days, receiving the Bible for the first time to own for themselves) as well as lower lows (walking alongside families as they lose people to AIDS, walking alongside orphans who have lost parents to AIDS).
Unfortunately, and fortunately, this isn't anything new. Jesus told his disciples,

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
~John 16:33

As I prepare to walk through this landscape of the next season of life & ministry - with higher highs & lower lows & a long walk with not a lot of change - I rest in the fact that many have walked in these types of circumstances before me, and found that peace and strength that enables perseverance & endurance, through Christ alone.

"Our struggles were strangely mingled all through life with successes & difficulties altogether."
(John Paton - missionary to the New Hebrides Islands)

The Word of God is Living and Active - Part 7

It was a cloudy day in the fall of 2008. I had finished a full day of work, was thinking about an upcoming trip to Haiti & went for a run. The trail I always ran on was a dirt path winding along a usually dry canal. In the summers it was full of families, dogs, runners, speed walkers, and even people on horseback. But on this day, which was perfect for running (about 45 degrees with no wind), I had the trail to myself as I ran past horses in their pastures, people warm in their houses after work & birds in the trees. I don't know where on the run it happened, but all I know that is when I was about a half a mile from getting back to my car, I knew my time to leave my current ministry position was coming soon. God had been putting this on my heart for a while, but spoke tenderly as I ran this day that the time was coming, not if anymore, but when. As I processed that thought, prayed about how I would finish well the next six months, I also prayed about what was next. I had a sense because of a couple of things that God had burdened my heart for, but was still so unsure of where I would be heading & what was next for me in life & ministry. But as I was praying, God brought Abraham to my mind and the direction that God had given him in his life:

"Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you."
(Genesis 12:1)

Little did I know how God would lead & guide me over the next few years...all I knew at that time was that God was saying GO. From your country, from your kindred, from your father's house...from all that you have known, from all that identifies you, from all that has shaped you, from the relationships that have been your life...GO. And as I thought about Abraham, going without knowing where or how he would get food along the way, how he would know where he was going without specific directions, where he would sleep at night, I realized that this journey of "GO"ing would be more difficult than I could imagine. Over the next 6 months, I cherished all that was familiar that I was leaving in ministry, and as I preached my last sermon, from Genesis 12, God continued to teach me from Genesis 12. A man who had served in the middle east in the military came up to me after one of the services to tell me about the landscape that Abraham traveled on his journey. His success on his journey was directly tied to how close he stayed to the Euphrates River - apart from that river, he would surely perish from dehydration, overheating and so much more. And as he spoke about this landscape, I realized that God was teaching me that to succeed on this journey He was calling me to over the next season, as I was called to GO, I was to persevere through the hard times, stay close to the only One who can bring me life, and remember that He was shaping me as much on the journey of "GO"ing as in the end of where He would lead me to.
Little did I know how true this verse would be in my life over the next few years as I left the land I was familiar with, literally packed up our family farm & helped my dad move off our land, and spent much time in a country that I didn't even know existed in fall of 2008. (Read more about that here).

The Word of God is Living and Active - Part 6

People often ask me how I can go to places with so much need and not be totally overwhelmed to the point of immobilization when I go to serve in those areas. The truth is, at times it is overwhelming, and many times I wonder if I can do anything to make a dent in the poverty or help anyone. But in 2008, as I was flying over the Pacific Ocean to serve on a mission trip high up in the Himalayas of Nepal, God laid a foundation that has forever changed my approach to ministry, and has narrowed my focus in places where the need overwhelms me.

On the trail in Nepal, with Ama Dablam in the background.

During our 14 hour flight from LA to Bangkok, I had brought along several podcasts to listen to, one of which was by a college campus pastor speaking on Psalm 123. In this message, he read aloud Psalm 123:1-2
"To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens! Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till he has mercy upon us."

He spoke about these verses, drawing us to focus on what it means to be a servant. Thinking about a servant or maidservant, their focus is constantly on the one whom they are serving, not the surplus of needs around them. Their eyes are only to the one they are serving, anticipating the needs, planning on how they will serve next, not worrying about anything else that needs to be done around them. If they turn their eyes to accomplish something else that needs to be done, they may not be serving their master as they should. This pastor reminded me that my eyes are to be on the Lord alone, and as I do that, He will direct my steps to how I am supposed to serve today, in this moment, in this place. And as each of us are focused on Him, our efforts to serve Him and His people will be orchestrated in a way to get more done for His glory & His name.

With some of the students in the Hillary School in Khumjung, Nepal.

But this is hard to put into practice when there are overwhelming needs surrounding you & people bombarding you with the issues going on in life. Often it is easier to be reactive & seek to provide an immediate solution, rather than stepping back or slowing down to take the time to keep our focus on the Lord and let Him lead us. But my number one job in ministry, no matter where I am serving, is to keep my eyes focused on the Lord and as I do that, He directs my feet to where I am to go, my hands to how I am to serve, and my heart as to who I am to be burdened for.

The Word of God is Living and Active - Part 5

As I take these few weeks to reflect back on all of the ways that God has shaped me through His word, I'm humbled that He had me start journaling 10 years ago & writing dates of when different verses applied specifically to my situation in my Bible. It's so true that we forget too often how faithfully God has worked in our past, but when we take time to remember His faithfulness to His promises, it helps us to trust more completely in His leading today and in His promises for the future.

This is yet another post about how God spoke to me on that 6 week backpacking trip years ago. It's amazing how loud & clear His voice is when we simplify our lives & fast from other things to create more space for Him to speak & work in our lives! You would think that being in the wilderness for 6 weeks, with only a few other people & my backpack of belongings would bring me to a place of simplicity where I wasn't distracted. But, as you can guess, I still found ways to distract myself & not just focus on the Lord....that is until our solo time. Part way through the trip, we spread out for a 2 day solo, where we couldn't see or hear anyone else from our group. As I finally was laid bare before the Lord (without distractions of people or hiking), I realized that one of the issues that God was bringing me out into the wilderness to process through was my identity in Him. My solo spot set up in the Wind Rivers...with a rock to shelter me from the wind, another rock as my pillow, and my sleeping bag wrapped up in part of a tent to keep me warm & dry as I would sleep out under the stars.

Over the years, especially in south Denver, I had struggled with the fact that I was wired differently than a lot of my friends (I could care less about brand name purses & clothes, but would rather spend my extra money on books or at REI). I knew that it wasn't an accident that God had raised me on a farm, where I spent more time outside than in, where I spent more time alone in a field than at the mall with my friends. But I didn't understand why God had wired me this way & given me these experiences. As I sat along the edge of this amazing lake, above 10,000 feet in the middle of the wilderness in Wyoming, God led me to read Psalm 139 again. And I read it as I wrestled with why He wired me the way He did...

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
~Psalm 139:13-16

Sitting at the edge of this lake, alone with God, I surrendered my past, present, future, dreams, passions, gifts, talents, fears, successes, failures and so much more again as I realized that God had wired me to like to live in tents & sleeping bags; to be outdoors wearing sandals; to not like tv; to be okay eating almost anything...and He reminded me again and again that He had planned every day of my life and would use it all for His glory. I was free from comparing myself to other people in South Denver, free from comparing myself to other people in ministry, and finally at peace with being who I was created to be and asking God how He wanted to use that in ministry for His glory.

The Word of God is Living and Active - Part 4

We had a long day to hike into this very secluded area of the mountains. On our way up & over a couple of passes, we saw amazing wildflowers, no animals, and no people. As we sat down to prepare dinner along the lake, our leader told us that this would be the worst place on the entire 6 week trip to get injured because it was the most isolated place on our whole trip, the furthest from any trailhead, and some of the more difficult off-trail terrain. We were planning to stay here for a couple of days, to rest & recover before we continued on our backpacking trip.Wall Lake in the Wind River Range

The next day, our official "rest day", was a relaxing day full of food, doing laundry, catching up, and just enjoying being out of our hiking boots & backpacks for a day as we lounged around camp. Early in the afternoon, the clouds started to roll in, forcing each of us in to our tents. For this long trip, where I carried everything on my back, I had brought along only one small (and light!) book and my Bible. I had finished the other book early on in the trip and at this point, was reading my Bible for pleasure, not just devotion. But this afternoon, as we were forced into the tents to wait out the rainstorm, I didn't really want to read my Bible. I wanted to read ANYTHING else, and I'm sure I would have, if it would have been available.
But God led me to 2 Corinthians, and as I read through this familiar book, I became mesmerized & stuck on verse 18 in chapter 3. God was shouting loud and clear that day as I read in my tent that HE is at work in me, that HE is the one transforming me (lest I think I am actually doing it), that HE is transforming me to be like Him, and that HE is doing it by His Spirit.

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."
~ 2 Corinthians 3:18

I continued to think about this verse & chew on it as the rain pounded the tent & I burrowed deeper into my sleeping bag in the middle of the afternoon. I was humbled & overcome by the fact that God was (and still is) at work in me to transform me into something that I can't even begin to fathom. But the thing that got me every time I read the verse was that He does this not when I am doing my best to serve Him, not when I am doing my best to avoid sin, but when I am beholding His glory. As I turn my face to Him, enjoy my relationship with Him, and press deeper into Him, HE is the one doing all of the work & transforming me from the inside out. My number one job isn't to try to be more like Jesus, but to behold Him and watch the work that God does in me, by His Spirit, to transform me. God took me out to the most remote place in the wilderness to teach me the most important thing about sanctification - that He is the one transforming me as I behold Him & His glory.

Trusting Jesus To Be Enough

"So I stood there with tears, hands raised, trusting Jesus to be enough. As I reduce, He is enough. As I simplify, He is enough. He is my portion where food and clothes and comfort fall woefully short. He can heal me from greed and excess, materialism and pride, selfishness and envy. While my earthly treasures and creature comforts will fail me, Jesus is more than enough. In my privileged world where 'need' and 'want' have become indistinguishable, my only true requirement is the sweet presence of Jesus.
So I wrote my offering on an index card and left it: 'All of me.' "

~ from Seven (by Jen Hatmaker)

The Word of God is Living and Active - Part 3

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope."

~Hosea 2:14-15

We had been hiking, camping, climbing and living together for over 20 days at this point. I had been carrying everything I needed to live in my backpack, and we were only half way through this trip. I was sick of the mosquitoes (which weren't that bad), I was frustrated by the guys being able to go to the bathroom anywhere & the girls having to walk a ways to find a good spot, but I was getting used to icy mountain lake water to bathe in, I was loving the simplicity of it all, I thrived in the physically challenging aspects of our trip, I was starting to really enjoy the food we were cooking, and I was more aware of God's presence every moment of every day.But there were moments when I wondered why the Lord brought me out on this 6 week backpacking trip, and what the purpose of it really was. I felt guilty being away from work & school, felt weird because I loved this life & wondered if I could find a job where I lived out in the wilderness full time, felt guilty because even though I was earning school credit for this, I was enjoying it too much, but I had no doubt that God was sovereign over my being there and looked forward to how He was going to reveal Himself to me. And as I was spending time in the Word one morning before hitting the trail, He brought me to Hosea 2:14-15 and spoke to me...
~God was the one who had called me out into this wilderness of a 40 day backpacking trip.
~God called me out away from everything normal in my life to speak to me.
~God called me to leave everything else back at home that was distracting me from Him, and just let it be Him & me.
~God wasn't just going to speak to me, but wanted to speak tenderly to me.
~God wanted to speak to me to refine me in order to bring fruit to the barren areas of my heart and life.
~God wanted to restore the troubled places in my life & bring hope to these areas.

God had invited me to spend 40 days focused on Him, without having to worry about grocery shopping, bill paying, working, worrying about what to wear, and the other pressures of life. Yes, I had to carry everything I needed in my backpack; yes, I would be pushed physically to challenge myself every day; yes, I would experience great fellowship & community among our team...but if I pushed that to the side, I realized that God had called me away to speak to me & continue His work of transformation in my heart and life, laying down foundations for how He would lead me & use me in the future in my life & ministry.